Shit Wizards - Gastrointestinal Spell Casting

 "Malazarich the Great? He's a shit wizard, right?"

"What? No, he's a great wizard, it's in the name."

"No no, a shit wizard."

Written for Electric Bastionland/Into the Odd, but applicable to whatever game you'd like. Taken from conversation in the Electric Bastionland discord (special thanks to CosmicOrrery for their part in crafting this abomination).

Check out another take on this idea here.

What's a Shit Wizard?

A Shit Wizard (colloquial term, they prefer Excremancer) is a magic user who performs their magic by consuming spellstones, spells in physical form.

What are Spellstones?

Bezoar stones taken from the stomachs of magical beasts.

The residue of their magical abilities are accumulated in these stones, and once removed can be tapped into by a Shit Wizard's highly trained digestive system.

How's it work?

The Wizard consumes the spellstone and immediately gains the effect of the spell. Then, some number of hours later they pass the spellstone the usual way (hopefully behind a bush or around the corner) and after suitable cleaning the spellstone is ready to be used again.

Passing a spellstone will usually happen the next time the Shit Wizard makes camp, so long as at least 8 hours have passed. (Technically speaking it probably takes a 1-2 days to pass a solid object, so adjust to your desired level of "realism".)

Gross

Yup. Power at any cost.

Example

Malazarich chokes down an oversized spellstone recovered from the gut of a red dragon. His eyes begin to glow, and he belches a huge gout of fire before him dealing d12 Blast damage to everyone in the area. 

Some time later, he is heard grunting behind a tree and cursing the gods for the size of a dragon's lower intestine.

Optional Rules

Slippery Spells - Spellstones don't like being inside a wizard's digestive tract, and will hasten their exit. Spellstones are passed in 1d6 hours. 

Bonus, the number of hours is secretly rolled by the GM, although the wizard likely gets at least a few minutes warning.

Indigestion - Having more than a single spellstone in your body at once gives an awful stomach ache. You're deprived and cannot regain HP until all but one are passed.

Laxatives - Certain drugs and substances are known to wizards for speeding the passage of a spellstone through their systems. Consuming a laxative reduces the amount of time before passing by 1d4 hours. If the duration is reduced to less than zero, the spellstone is passed immediately with dramatic and explosive consequences.

Getting more Spells

Hunt down magical beasts, slay them, and extract the bezoars from their intestines. Any suitably magical beast will have a 1 in 6 chance of containing a bezoar stone, granting a spell related to the abilities of the creature. A given creature might have more than one potential spell.

Alternatively just find (or create) a dead Wizard and recover some spellstones from within their guts.

Failed Career

Excremancer's Apprentice

You thought you'd be studying under a distinguished and learned wizard, unlocking secrets to bend the universe to your will. Instead, you're spending all your time guzzling prune juice and uncomfortably squatting behind bushes.

You start with a bottle of prune juice and a Gutting Knife (d6).

How does the Bezoar stone did you managed to recover from your master's remains feel going down?

1. Uncomfortably large - Dragon: Deals d12 Blast damage.
2. Uncomfortably scaley - Basilisk: Shoot a petrifying ray, d6 STR damage and critical damage turns to stone.
3. Uncomfortably sticky - Giant Spider: Spray sticky webs over a large area.
4. Uncomfortably cold - Banshee: Unleash a horrific scream dealing d4 Blast CHA damage, critical damage stuns.
   
5. Uncomfortably fuzzy - Blink Dog: Teleport to any location you can see.
6. Uncomfortably moving - Mimic: Change your shape into any similarly sized object, lasts until the spellstone is passed.
   

What have the consequences on your gut been?

1. Iron Constitution - You have 1 Armor if you have a spellstone currently inside you.
   
2. Highly Absorptive - You can use a very minor version of the effect of any spellstone currently inside you.
   
3. Extremely Regular - Spellstones always pass in exactly 3 hours.
4. Magic Intolerance - The first time you consume a new spellstone you have 3 CHA until it passes.
   
5. Irritable Bowels - If you take critical damage, immediately void any spellstones within you. Their effects activate immediately and in random directions.
6. Chronic Constipation - Passing a spellstone takes 24 hours without assistance.